disappointment

I have spent the better part of last week in bed and sicker than a dog, (does anybody really understand that expression?). While I was sick, I was constantly complained and nagged at by Jake for "not doing anything". Okay, so someone please explain to me when it is okay for someone who has no job to bitch at someone who does, and who does all of the housework, that just happens to get sick? I have been so disgusted with him over this that I can hardly stand to be in the same room as him.

The problem is this: anytime I am sick this is how he treat me. He has gone through yet another job and left it completely up to me to see to it that bills are paid and we have food to eat. When do I get the luxury of blowing off a job just because I am not happy? When do I get to rely on someone else to take care of me? When do I get to have no worries?

It's times like this when I am already stressed and not feeling well that it makes it hard for me to see the bright side of anything, especially my relationship with Jake. In times like this when he should be doing everything in his power to make sure that I am okay because, lets face it, with no job he has all of the time in the world to be taking care of any of the house hold shit and seeing to it that I am warm and comfortable, but instead he's playing his play station and asking me what I am going to cook for supper. He should be scouring the newspapers and online jobsites looking for a job, but since he had one interview that he thinks went well, he has decided to just wait it out to see how it goes with this place.

It's times like these that I realize looking back that the only consistent thing that Jake has done in this relationship is disappoint me. Whether it's blowing off a job or blowing off a phone call from me because he's having too much fun blowing all the money he does have in a bar...he's acting the only way he seems ti know how...selfish. It hurts me so bad to admit that the only time he has ever really been there for me was when my grandpa died. 4 fucking years, and he has given me 1 week of sympathy and support.

To be fair, Jake and I have had some really good times, but the bad times outnumber the good and i feel like it's getting harder and harder to get to a place that the good times happen. I sit back and wonder if it's just the stress of the house, or employment (or the lack thereof), or whatever, but then I realize that it's just a bunch of excuses. Jake is watching the superbowl right now and he has showed more emotion towards that stupid and pointless game than he has shown to me in weeks. I know he doesn't have the same sort of emotional make-up as me. Far, far from it actually, but I just feel like he doesn't even try to care.

Valentines day is in a week or so, and as much as I say I don't care about it, I sort of do. It is true that I think it is sort of a pathetic holiday, one sort of made up just to break up the monotony of the dull winter months, but at the same time I feel fortunate to have someone special to share the holiday with and I want to celebrate it. You would think that after 4 years he would be able to realize that I would like to do something special, or at least feel like i am special to him, but it gets less and less so every year. When I asked him if he wanted me to cook something this year (because obviously with him not working we are not going to be going out), he suggests that we just rent a movie. I don't even like renting movies, and you think he would know that by now!

I guess I am just confused. I don't know what to do, and there is no talking to him about this because he just get defensive and says things like, "Well, you should get a higher paying job." EXCUSE ME, MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GET A JOB...AND KEEP IT.

I feel like i am just using this post as a total bitch session, and I am sorry. I guess I just needed an out and I don't really feel like i can talk to anyone without them trying to solve my problem for me. The last thing I need is to hear what someone else thinks I should do or what they would do if they were me...or worse to hear them call Jake names, I can do a pretty fine job at that myself, thank you very much! I just felt like I needed to get a lot off my chest.

Maybe it's just because I am sick and bored and tired that I am being such a bitch. I don't know. Maybe its because I feel totally neglected and abandoned by my boyfriend. When you are sick and you want someone around to take care of you, or at least stick around to let the dog out to pee so you don't have to, it hurts when they say that they are sick of you just laying around and they take off to go wreck havoc around Columbia City with their brother. I have always said, and I still maintain, that I want someone to take care of me in life. I don't want to be the breadwinner and I don't want to have to be the one to nurse myself back to health. I don't think it's too much to ask to want a little old fashioned relationship. I don't know what is going on with Jake right now, but I think he had better snap out of this attitude and listen to me when I am telling him I am not happy. I have left before, and I am starting to wonder if I am going to have to do it again. But if I do have to do it again, I can guarantee you that there will not be a "next time" with him. If he can't seem to get it right after all this time, I don't think he ever will.