I have had the strangest emotions lately. I have felt so bummed out and so...well, alone, for lack of a better word. The past couple of weeks have been so crappy with everything that has been going on. Between my job, which I still don't like, the new house that no one will even talk to me about, and all of Jake's overtime, I have been on overload.
My birthday is tomorrow. Maybe I am being selfish, but aren't people supposed to recognize that? Shouldn't people say, "Oh, happy birthday, Kianne"? Shouldn't people at least act as if they care? What happened to the childhood birthdays where you got birthday cards the whole week before your birthday? I don't expect people to buy me a present or send me any money, I just want people to act like they even care the I was born 24 years ago on this day. Is that really to much to ask?
Most of my friends are so wrapped up with their own lives that they don't even give a damn about what is going on with me. I have said this before, but why is it that when one of them needs something I am the first person they call, but if I need something they blow me off or make up lame excuses to get out of it? Only one of my friends has the right to do something like that right now and she's not even the one doing it!
Of all the people that should act like they give a damn about my birthday, you would think that Jake would. Nope. He acts even more clueless than usual. He comes and goes as he pleases, leaving messes behind him all along the way. I really don't think he realizes everything that I do around the house. Carma and I were talking about this this morning, she says that Ayron is the same way but she can strike a deal with him and trade off chores. That must be nice. I make a list of just a handful of things that need done around the house and I divide them up between Jake and I both, I the list always favors Jake. Well, it has taken Jake 5 days to do 5 simple things that were on his list and he is still not done with it! I am at my wits-end with him on this. I keep telling him that there is no way I can work as many hours as I do now and keep a house that size clean all by myself. I really just feel like he doesn't appreciate me, and like he barely likes me. Every night when I go to bed I go by myself. Jake stays up half the night watching tv and then just falls asleep on the couch. I told him before that if I have to do everything by myself and then go to bed by myself then I might as well live by myself. I said that thinking that he would get the hint and start paying a little more attention to me, but he took it the opposite way and got really defensive about everything. Since that backfired I just don't say anything at all. He doesn't get it if I tell him exactly what is wrong, and he doesn't get it if I try to be subtle. Talk about frustrating!
I sold a house yesterday to a really great family. I should be excited for the commission...but I'm not. One of the ass holes that I work with is trying to split the commission because the customers stopped in once when I was not here and he talked with them. He never told me that they were here and the customers told me that they did ask for me and that while the other salesman was talking with them he was just more interested in talking about his Harley. I am not opposed to splitting commissions, if and only if the salesman that wants to split does his share of work and follow up and lets me know that they were even here. Am I wrong in this?
My boss pulled me aside and talked to me about it for a little bit this morning. He asked me to offer $200 to the other salesman. Why should I? If I have to share every freaking deal with someone else then what am I even here for? My boss even told me that there is no honor among thieves and since this is my first sales job I still have to figure that out. "For what it's worth, I do agree with you on this on, Kianne," is what he told me. He said that the other sales person is grouchy and he was just trying to keep the peace. I understand what he is trying to do, but what I don't understand is if he agrees with me them why in the hell is he trying so hard to keep the other guy happy? What about me? What about how I feel, and what about my bank account, and what about how I feel, and what about what I think?
I checked my email this morning and I had a letter from my grandma. Grandpa Shoaf is having surgery on his foot tomorrow. It really is no big deal, it's an in and out surgery. Nevertheless, I closed my eyes to murmur a quick prayer. While I am sitting at my desk praying, I started bawling. It was the strangest crying that I have ever done. I couldn't stop crying, but I made no noise. Big, silent tears poured from my eyes all over my keyboard and planner. And the strangest thing was that I didn't even feel better, (I didn't feel worse, but after a dry like that you would think that something would feel different).
Another really strange thing happened to me today. Remember the harassment complaint that I filed at the beginning of the summer? Well, I was so bitter and hurt over the whole situation for the longest time. About what happened to cause me to file the complaint, how the complaint was handled, and the decision that was made. Well, today while I was outside talking to my boss I realized that I wish it had all never happened. I really like him and I truly feel bad about what had happened. The truth of the matter is that while I did have a problem with him, my friend that worked here had an even bigger problem with him. I was played like a game piece by my friend, who no longer works here, to get after my boss. Yes, there were problems that needed addressing, but Jeff used those problems and my sensitivity to his advantage to get me to go after our boss. I let other dictate my feelings on the entire matter. Jeff, LeAnn, and Jake really made the decision to write that letter and send it in, sure I actually pressed the "send" button, but I was convinced by them that it was the best thing to do.
How appropriate! I am feeling bummed out because I am having a bad time right now. as I am blogging about it I am listening to music on the Ares on my laptop and what song should come on but Tom Petty's "You Don't Know How it Feels to be Me"?
My parents are taking me out for dinner tonight to celebrate my birthday. They are taking me to Logan's! I can't wait to gorge myself on their wonderful homemade rolls! (And I promise to eat one for you, Carma!) I am going to go check out cuteoverload.com to cheer myself up.
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