Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

Do you ever get the feeling that someone doesn't like you? Like they are nice to you only skin deep, and it is in such a sneering and demeaning sort of way that lets you know, without coming right out and saying it, that they really just don't like you. I feel that way everyday when a certain person talks to me at work.

I have never been the type of person to care a whole lot whether or not people like me. To be competely honest, the people who don't like me probably have good reason. (And if not, oh well, there are pleanty of people that I don't like for no good reason.)

What I am getting at here is that it does not make me feel very good about myself or my preformance at work when faced with having to talk to this person, (which I have to do a lot). I know that I am good at my job and I know that I am smart and capable, but I just can't seem to get over this. If any outsider were to hear the way he talks to me they wouldn't think there was a problem, unless they were around for a couple of days in a row. It doesn't take long to realize that there is quite a menacing sting behind his comments and jabs. At first I thought maybe this was just the way this guy is, (I hate sarcasm, by the way.), but a few different people around the office have said something to me about it.

When I first started this job I was told tha tthe 3 people in charge of hiring for the position were torn between me and another girl. They ultimately decided to hire both of us, deciding that we both have different skills tha twe could bring to the table. I was never told one way or the other but I was pretty sure who it was that wanted to hire me, and who didn't. Due to a series of unfortunate events the other girl was let go. I had my 90 day evaluation last week and my suspicions were confirmed as to who was in favor of hiring me and who was not. (Okay, my probem with this is: Myabe you don't want to hire me, fine, but you don't tell the people that one of them was not who you would have hired, given the choice.)

As I just mentioned, I had my 90 day evaluation last week. Let's just say that I was disappointed. I feel like i have really put a lot of effort into this joba and I thought perhaps it could even turn into a career. Well, not for a 25-cent raise! I could get a job through a trmp agency making more than I am at this job tha tI was considering for a career. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I was disappointed, not just in the meager raise, but also in myself for not speaking up and not asking why I got such a small raise.

Once I received my review I knew I was facing a dilima. From day one Jake was supportive of me quitting my good paying job tha twas down the road from our house and accepting this job with a 30 minute drive one way and a considerably smaller paycheck. The one stipulation tha the gave me was that if I did not receive a decent raise after the probationary period I would move on, and I agreed. Now having worked here long enoughto get to know everyone and learn the tasks aggigned to me and the computer systems, I have grown to enjoy and appriceate the job, (minus the miniscule pay).

In the grand scheme of things I really feel like a whiny bitch. I mean, at least i have a job and health insurance. My pay is not bad, I am just used to bringing in nearly $1100 a week between Jake and I. I guess I am just more frustrated with the whole situation than I would like to admit to myself. Sure, I like my job, but I don't think I could make a fucking career out of this. I am a secretary for crying out loud! Who in their right mind has asperations of being a damn career secretary!?!?

So now between feeling pretty much unwanted and unappriceated by my boss and getting shit for a raise, I am not opposed to looking for a new job. At the same time I do feel like i have it good here: friendly people, (for the most part), the skills gained, and the benefits of insurance and not working weekends or nights. So why an I bitching and moaning? I don't freaking know!

I have put a lot of thought into my attitude towards my professional life as of late. My solution: Jake gets a good super high paying job to support me while I write a book. Once I become the next JK Rowling or Janet Evanovich he can quit his job and start his own business of flipping junk houses while we are not out traveling the world in search of Shangri-La. But then I have to wonder, how long until we are unhappy with that lifestyle?

It's Been Awhile

Wow! My last post was September 24 and the only thing I posted was a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City! (I can't believe that quiz said I am "slightly neurotic", I don't even know what neurotic means.)

Well, much has happened since I last posted: We moved into the house - which is still little more than a construction zone, my Grandpa Allen died of pnemunia and congestive heart failure the weekend we were moving into the house, Jake was fired from his job at the foundry for going with me to the funeral, 2 days after being home from the funeral he found a new even better job - with better benefits, hours and working conditions.

Even though our contractor learned to make a schedule and keep it on another planet, we are making progress on the house. Slowely but surely. Stay tuned for more pictures, Jake bought me a new laptop a couple of weeks ago and I have yet to get the Kodak software loaded onto it.

I can't believe how fast the past few weeks have gone, and how jam-packed they have been. I have had the best of intentions of working on my blog, but when I sit in front of a computer all day long the last thing I feel like doing is typing more while I am at home. (I am cheating now...I am chilling out at the Cupbearer Coffeehouse listening to Christmas music and enjoyng a nice pot of decaf all to myself!) When I have any bit of down time at home I hand write posts. I have a stack of posts that I have written but never actually typed, (this is one of them), and a list of blog titles and ideas that I am going to be working on eventually. Remember when I used to post multiple times a day?

I'm a Carrie!

Ring Ring

"The most incredible thing about goldfish, however, is their memory. Everyone pities them for only remembering their last three seconds, but in fact, to be so forcibly tied to the present - it's a gift. They are free. No moping over missteps, slip-ups, faux pas or disturbing childhoods. No inner demons. Their closets are light filled and skeleton free. And what could be more exhilarating than seeing the world for the very first time, in all of its beauty, almost thirty thousand times a day? How glorious to know that your Golden Age wasn't forty years ago when you still had all your hair, but only three seconds ago, and thus, very possibly it's still going on, this very moment.

(...)
And this moment, too.

(...)
And this moment, too.

(...)
And this moment, too."

Confusion

On Saturday Jake and I met his grandparents at their house, we were all going to head over the the Annual Washington Center Methodist Church Ice Cream Social. Jake had an uncle there visiting that I had never met. Jake's grandma introduced me as...Jake's friend!

EXCUSE ME!!!??? If 4 years, 2 houses, 2 apartments, 1 puppy, 3 birds, 1 kitten, a diamond ring and countless arguments and even more incredible memories makes me a friend...

Now I like Jake's grandma, seriously, but what the fuck lady!?!? As if I am not already having trouble battling the lack of faith that I have recently developed in my relationship, she had to go and say something like that.

So I can't help but wonder if the family really likes me...I know his cousins don't, but I don't like them either. They don't really matter though, you know, they aren't the important ones, it's the parents and grandparents that make all the difference. People ask constantly why if we have been together so long we don't just get married...I constantly wonder the same thing. Is he putting it off because of his family? Is that why he's convinced me that a destination wedding with none of our family and friends there would be best for us?

I know that I am just talking crazy. Between the stress of his new job and the deadline for the house being so soon, I can even convince myself that Peanut doesn't really like me. It's just that Jake and I have been through more shit than the average couple our age; We have been tested in nearly every way that a relationship can be tested. Through it all Jake has remained faithful and the one who stays optimistic about things. Shame on me for feeling that anyone, even his grandmother, can keep him from me. Shame on me for thinking, even for a second, that we are not going to make it though another flip and move!

As I have said many times before, and I am sure I will say many times to come...I HATE the female mind. Argh!!

Pooping...who cares?

Who cares is what we should think!

For the past 2 years I have basically been the only girl in an office that has 2 bathrooms, 1 for men and 1 for women. Now where I work there is only 1 bathroom for everyone and there is always at least 1 person waiting to get in. I have this freak-ish aversion to pooping while I am at work! I know it’s a natural thing and everyone does it, but I can’t stand the thought of someone going into the bathroom immediately after me and thinking that I am gross because I smelled the place up! I think I feel the urge coming on now, but I am going to do my best to push the thought far from my mind so that I won’t have to face that embarrassment.

Here's your sign!

When I got home from work last night I was tired. I planned on reading for a while and then straightening up around the house. I laid down with Peanut to read around 6, I woke up at 8:35.

Jake came home from work and looked around curiously, “What have you done since you have been home?”, he asked.

“Nothing much,” I said. “I took a nap so that I would be awake to have sex when you came to bed tonight,” I finished, trying to sound as if that really were the truth…like I would say something like that anytime. (Really I said this so that he wouldn’t be pissed at me, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that there was some truth to the statement.)

Jake laughed and went about his usual evening routine. While he was eating I told him that I thought our new jobs were putting a choke hold on our sex life. He agreed. While he was putting away his dishes I went to the bedroom and changed from a flannel night shirt into a short strappy black nightie.

Jake had returned to his spot on the couch and was watching Terminator 2. I asked him if he were ready for bed, he shrugged his shoulders. A few minutes later I got up and stood in front of him, he starred at my cleavage. I took a couple of steps toward the bedroom and asked if he were coming to bed.

"In a little bit," he said.

"Are you serious?" I said, exasperated.

You could nearly see the light bulbs flickering to life above his head. "You want to do it, don't you?"

"Nope!" I rolled my eyes and stalked off down the hall. "I just though t I would dress like this to impress the empty room I am headed to, alone."

Jake smiled and laughed again. I went to bed. Alone and unsatisfied.

Where were you when the world stopped turning...

…On that September day?

It has been six years now and I still remember vividly what I was doing on the day of the terror attacks.

I was a Freshman in college; I was working at Sundance Stables and house sitting to pay for school and my bad shopping habits. At this particular time I was house sitting for a couple in Huntertown – and having a horrible time! I don’t really believe in hauntings and spooks and things like that, “It will take something happening to me to make me a believer, “ I would always say. I was made a half-assed believer while staying in this house, but that’s another story saved for another day.

Anyhow, the couple I was house sitting for was visiting France . September 11, 2001 was a Tuesday, I had classes starting at 8:45 Am. When my class was finished I met April and Rachel in the hall like always. As we walked towards the common area we saw a very large group of people gathered around a cluster of televisions. None of us had a clue as to what was going on, so I pushed my way to the front of the crowd and came face to face a big screen television just in time to see an instant replay of an airplane crashing into the second tower. I started shaking and sweating.

My first thought was “Damn it! Now I’ll have to keep staying at that awful house!” The people I was house sitting for were scheduled to come back late that night. It was to be my last night staying in that terrible house.

Within seconds I felt terrible for being more concerned about my own comfort level than the people that were directly affected by the attacks. I was shocked at what was taking place. Numb. I prayed. I prayed like I had never prayed before.

I never realized what terror was. Having never lived through something like this, I didn’t know what to expect to feel. I was a Midwestern farm girl that was raised in a complete oblivion to what was going on in the world outside of my school bus and classroom. Terror to me was catching a glimpse of Freddie Kruger on the tv late at night when passing through to the kitchen for a drink while Dad was watching a show. The attacks of September 11, 2001 introduced me to real terror, a terror that caused a world wide stand still and made everyone across the nation want to retreat to their homes and lock their doors. A terror like no other. A terror that I hope I never feel again.

Always Remember

Today mars the 6 year anniversary of the terror attacks on the United States. I have never looked at any pictures from the tragedy, besides the ones that were on the news and in the papers. Tonight was the first I have. I still get tears in my eyes. The picture of the dust covered man is called "Alive", that's is the one that touches me the most. Please excuse the picture of the Wicked Witch. I used it for my last post and for some reason I could not get it to delete after I accidentally posted it to this one.

"What a world! What a world!!" *screaming in agony*

Change the pasty green face of Margaret Hamilton here to the terrible face of David Comment and what will you get?

A wicked high school bully that mad my Freshman year hell! Oh yeah, and Jake's new boss!!

Anyone who knows me is aware of two facts about me: 1) I am, um, well endowed, and 2) I am very self-conscious about fact number 1. Chance are that no matter what I would be self-conscious about the size of my chest, but it never helps when there is a jackass piece of shit like David Comment sitting across from you in woods class that makes lude comments all day long. I would bet a good chunk of money that I would not be half as bad as I am if he and his other fuck-up buddies didn't pick on me about it everyday.

It makes me wonder, (and second guess many decisions that I have made in the past), what kind of sense of humor God has? Maybe I am just narrow minded because of the harassment that I endured at this guys disposal - but it just doesn't seem fair to me that this guy, who is still am ass hole from what I have been told, can be in any sort of position of authority. And to think...Jake has to take direction from him! *shudder* The only position that I would be happy with him being in is bent over a bunk in front of Bubba in a rodent infested jail cell.

Seriously!

Why on Earth? (Or rather, "Why in Eden?")

AS I sit in my office listening to my boss chat and laugh and share funny emails with M, my friendly coworker and arch-nemesis in my quest for attention and acceptance, I have to wonder: Eve, why on Earth did you eat that piece of fruit?!?

I am so sick and tired of second guessing every decision I ever make, of changing clothes 10 times, of constantly wondering if everyone at my new job likes me as much as M. I can't stand to spend another minute wondering if Jake and I's relationship is strong enough to make it through another move and the stress that our new jobs and new house is putting on us.

Now I know that I am not the only girl that feels this way. 9-1/2 out of every 10 females feels this way multiple times daily. The remaining half are those weird butch girls that wish they were really boys, (and even though they don't admit it, I am sure they feel this way now and then).

Let me clear something up by saying that I like M. She is friendly, smart, and competent. We get along well but I can't seem to shake the feeling that everyone likes her better than me. (I know I sound completely crazy!) I have always been the popular one, the one that everyone comes to when they have a question or a funny joke to tell. I have always the one whose desk the guys linger at just a little too long.

I like my new job, for the most part. Everyone I work with is really nice, the work is easy (too easy perhaps since I seem to be filling my head with nonsense worries!). I just can't shake the feeling that my boss doesn't like me.

When I was hired the HR told me that the interviewees had been narrowed down to two candidates, M and myself. Since HR and Boss couldn't decide which one to hire, Big Boss stepped in and told him to just hire both of us. Something tells me that HR was the one who wanted to hire me, and Boss wanted M. I hate knowing the situation that caused the both of us to be hired at the same time.


I am scolding myself for making something out of nothing over this whole mess. I can't help but wonder if I am extra moody due to my cycle. That's what made me think: "Damn it Eve!! That fruit could not have looked that good, and a damn snake could not have been that convincing - not even if snakes were beautiful and had legs back then!"

If things were done differently and she never would have tasted that fruit, God would not have caused the female race to have pain during child birth I would assume. So I have to wonder, would we then not have been cursed with periods, cramps, an overly analytical mind, vaginas that rip open while trying to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a lima bean...

Just food for thought. You all know how my mind wonders.

Bad Day

**Let me preface this post by saying that it is nearly 5AM and I have had one of the worst nights/mornings EVER**

I'm rollin' out of bakersfield
My own private hell on wheels
But this time I'm gone for good
And I've never gone this far before
Beyond the slammin of the back screen door
But you never loved me like you should
And there ain't no tellin what I'll find
But I might as well move down the line
There's no comfort here in your zip code
I'd rather break down on the highway
With no one to share my load
And cry on the shoulder of the road
It makes me feel a little low
Steel guitar on the radio
And it's kinda scary the way those truckers fly
So this is how leaving feels
Drinking coffee and making deals with the one above
To get me through the night

What's new

Well, another weekend weekend gone; Another Labor Day survived in Auburn.

I quit my job last Tuesday. I actually did it. I dreamt about how I would do it and what I would say so often that when it actually came time to do it, I was nervous, and it seemed so surreal. I handled myself very well and I was proud of myself for the whole thing.

I quit Tuesday and started my new job on Wednesday. I am busy all day long! Who would have thought that a job as a secretary would be so much more demanding than that of a sales person? I am not concerned about the pay cut really since Jake was just given a promotion and a raise, but secretaries should really have a better paying salary for all that they have to do!! I do love the new job though, all of the people there are really nice.

The only thing that I don't enjoy about the new job is that I have absolutely no time for blogging! The last time I blogged was on the 22nd of August, and then it was nothing more than just a few pictures of things that we have done to the house. (Speaking of which, we have done quite a bit since then, stay tuned for more photos!) Now, it is not just my fault that I have not been blogging lately. This blog has a sister blog, one that was started by a friend. We started these blogs to keep an online journal together, (which is much easier than in our high school days when we passed a notebook back and forth between us, let me tell you!). Anyhow, we take turns picking a topic and blogging about it...lately someone has been slacking when it comes to hers. You know how things are, it's always easier to blame your laziness on someone else.

So what else has been going on since last I wrote...

Jake was diagnosed with bronchitis and missed a whole week of work.

Grandpa Doty is back in the hospital, (I am not sure why). When he gets out of the hospital he and Grandma are planning a move to Auburn.

Peanut got fleas, and then they went away.

We started looking for another house.

I got a haircut.

I drank an entire pot of coffee in about 3 hours and was accused of being pregnant.

Jake told me that if I were pregnant he would be excited.

My sister called me...to see what I was up to...

Jake and Sam started talking again. (Sam changed the brakes on Jake's truck and Jake loaned Sam his ID for the weekend...whatever works for them I guess).

I joined a quit smoking program, (and when I was on the phone with my quitting coach I couldn't resist the urge to light up).

I spent a whole afternoon going to garage sales and the craft show with Lana and I really enjoyed myself.

I bought a really old picture of a family living in the old West standing in front of their house with a goat standing on the roof. (I thought it was a really old picture, turns out it was a post card someone had sent from their vacation out west. The old man just put it in a frame and told Lana it was his ancestors. I paid $3 for a used post card in a frame...but it was worth it because the picture is hilarious!)


Jake bought me a cedar chest at a garage sale for $20! (He's been supposed to make me one for 3 years...)

Well, I think that is about it. I think I am going to go join Jake on the couch for a little History Chanel therapy, there's a special on about the real-life Dracula, Vlad the Impaler.

More updates on the house

This is the mud dobber nest that just appeared one day out of nowhere. I think it's really freaky looking, like a mummy's head or something. The bees were HUGE. Thank God Jake got rid of them!
I thought this cobweb looked neat covered in dust.

I have always wanted a room painted red. Well, after this sample I decided against it because every red I find seems to look like some shade of trashy magenta lipstick that only a transvestite would wear! I don't know if I need to go ahead and use the tinted primer first or what I should do, but I think I have changed my mind to Kelly Green for that room.

This will be the color of my office.

More updates to come at a later date!

Random Quotations

As we have already established, I am a sucker for quotations. There is a quote to go along with anything you are experiencing, and I know at least 1 for almost anything. Here are just a couple that have stuck out in my mind lately.



"There is no honor among thieves."

These words were said to me by my boss a week or so ago when another coworker was trying to get in on one of my deals. I have not been able to get them out of my head since. I have been so miserable in this job for most of my employment here, and maybe this is why. I am not a thief, I do not practice dirty business. That being said, how can I in good conscience keep working here? If I am to make a decent living, which it is hard for me to do while other sales people are honing in on my deals, am I going to have to start doing my job the same way that everyone else in the office does? I WILL NOT compromise my beliefs, ethics, and morals and stoop to an all time low of thieving deals out from underneath other sales people.

"Good things happen to those who wait."
Wouldn't you just love to slap the person who said that!?!? I started thinking about this quote while I was busy working on our house. I was looking around and thinking of how we had been looking for a house for SO long and just were not having any luck. Then along came the most wonderful realtor in the workd, Karen, and Max and Bonnie and BAM! we've got a house, and it only took us 2 years of searching! Well, then last night Jake popped the question, well sort of. He asked me if I wanted to get married and then said it was "an option". Are you kidding me? Well, if that didn't make me feel like I really mean that much to him! We have been together for quite some time now and I can't help but wonder when we will actually take the plunge. I look at it like this: we have been together for a long time, we have been living together for a long time, we just bought a house together, we have joint bank accounts, we have a dog together, we are already basically married, so why is he so afraid to actually do it? I have waited, long enough I think, so why aren't good things happening?

Well folks, I suppose I have bored you all with my random bitchings enough for today. Until tomorrow...

Have you ever seen rocks pray?

Mama's, PLEASE let your babys grow up to be cowboys!

Why, why why? (part 2)

What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

Why are SOFTballs hard?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?

Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?

Does a postman deliver his own mail?

Why dosent a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?

Why do birds have white poop?

If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?


Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?

Can blind people see their dreams?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If we all evolved from monkeys, how come there's still monkeys around now? Why do they call it taking a dump?

Shouldn't it be leaving a dump?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

If you get cheated by the better business bereau, who do you complain to?

If you're in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Why are turds pinched off at the end?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why don't you ever see baby pigions?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Well, I am getting ready to go shopping with Lana. I think we are going to get paint and hopefully we will get a lot of work done on the house, unlike last weekend!

Cute Overload

This really does look like a cat.

Now this is what I call sunbathing!

What a thoughful pose!

Isin't this just the sweetest thing?

WOW!!

Hooray!!

This is funny to me because Peanut does it. He is fine with horses until they put their big faces next to his little body.

This looks like an Easter picture.

This is funny to me because I have actually seen foals do this!

"Hey you, keep it down over there!"

This is the backgroung to my computer screen at work!

Look at the big ones make fun of the little on that fell over!

I hope I never see that when I look in a mirror!

This is the picture on my Yahoo Messenger, and the caption says "What a world! What a world!! *scraming in agony*

I think this would be the neatest thing to see.

How can you look at this face and not laugh?

This looks like Sam's puppy.

I normally think that albino things are scary, but this is beautiful. It looks like a snowflake.