Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

Do you ever get the feeling that someone doesn't like you? Like they are nice to you only skin deep, and it is in such a sneering and demeaning sort of way that lets you know, without coming right out and saying it, that they really just don't like you. I feel that way everyday when a certain person talks to me at work.

I have never been the type of person to care a whole lot whether or not people like me. To be competely honest, the people who don't like me probably have good reason. (And if not, oh well, there are pleanty of people that I don't like for no good reason.)

What I am getting at here is that it does not make me feel very good about myself or my preformance at work when faced with having to talk to this person, (which I have to do a lot). I know that I am good at my job and I know that I am smart and capable, but I just can't seem to get over this. If any outsider were to hear the way he talks to me they wouldn't think there was a problem, unless they were around for a couple of days in a row. It doesn't take long to realize that there is quite a menacing sting behind his comments and jabs. At first I thought maybe this was just the way this guy is, (I hate sarcasm, by the way.), but a few different people around the office have said something to me about it.

When I first started this job I was told tha tthe 3 people in charge of hiring for the position were torn between me and another girl. They ultimately decided to hire both of us, deciding that we both have different skills tha twe could bring to the table. I was never told one way or the other but I was pretty sure who it was that wanted to hire me, and who didn't. Due to a series of unfortunate events the other girl was let go. I had my 90 day evaluation last week and my suspicions were confirmed as to who was in favor of hiring me and who was not. (Okay, my probem with this is: Myabe you don't want to hire me, fine, but you don't tell the people that one of them was not who you would have hired, given the choice.)

As I just mentioned, I had my 90 day evaluation last week. Let's just say that I was disappointed. I feel like i have really put a lot of effort into this joba and I thought perhaps it could even turn into a career. Well, not for a 25-cent raise! I could get a job through a trmp agency making more than I am at this job tha tI was considering for a career. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I was disappointed, not just in the meager raise, but also in myself for not speaking up and not asking why I got such a small raise.

Once I received my review I knew I was facing a dilima. From day one Jake was supportive of me quitting my good paying job tha twas down the road from our house and accepting this job with a 30 minute drive one way and a considerably smaller paycheck. The one stipulation tha the gave me was that if I did not receive a decent raise after the probationary period I would move on, and I agreed. Now having worked here long enoughto get to know everyone and learn the tasks aggigned to me and the computer systems, I have grown to enjoy and appriceate the job, (minus the miniscule pay).

In the grand scheme of things I really feel like a whiny bitch. I mean, at least i have a job and health insurance. My pay is not bad, I am just used to bringing in nearly $1100 a week between Jake and I. I guess I am just more frustrated with the whole situation than I would like to admit to myself. Sure, I like my job, but I don't think I could make a fucking career out of this. I am a secretary for crying out loud! Who in their right mind has asperations of being a damn career secretary!?!?

So now between feeling pretty much unwanted and unappriceated by my boss and getting shit for a raise, I am not opposed to looking for a new job. At the same time I do feel like i have it good here: friendly people, (for the most part), the skills gained, and the benefits of insurance and not working weekends or nights. So why an I bitching and moaning? I don't freaking know!

I have put a lot of thought into my attitude towards my professional life as of late. My solution: Jake gets a good super high paying job to support me while I write a book. Once I become the next JK Rowling or Janet Evanovich he can quit his job and start his own business of flipping junk houses while we are not out traveling the world in search of Shangri-La. But then I have to wonder, how long until we are unhappy with that lifestyle?