Old Farts: On Birthdays and Bad Habits

12/18/2007

One night last week I was putting up the Christmas tree at my parent’s house with my mom and sister. My brother came in and made a comment about an ornament my mother had made when she was in the third grade; He asked if it were 50 years old. Us 3 chickies laughed at him and I told him that if mom were 50 then that would make me 30, and that would just not be cool! To which my mother turned to me and reminded me that I am not far from actually being 30.

OH. MY. GOD!!! I cannot even begin to describe the absolute horror I felt at this realization.

So here I am, almost 5 years from being 30. I am still not happy with my professional life and I have started to feel like I will never be happy with it. I am not married, not even close if you ask me. (If you ask him he will say it’s just a matter of time. I say time is money and I am broke, Bitch!) My car is falling apart around me at 70 miles per hour, and I have to bum gas money off my mom an average of one a month. I never thought I would be one of those “Oh-my-God-I-am-almost-30-and-I-have-accomplised-nothing!” people, but I guess I am.

I think I have just been pondering the things going on in my life and that has made me freak out about being closer to 30 that I ever have been before. I know 30 is not old, but at the same time it is. I can remember when my sister and I were in elementary school and my Aunt Crystal was around this age, we thought her life was so…not glamorous, but close to it. Wow were we fooled!

Jake and I were lying in bed the other night; It was 9 PM and we were tucked in for the night with our books, (this doesn’t help my case on feeling old!). I had my book open, but lying on my chest. When Jake noticed I was staring off into oblivion and not speed reading 2 books at once he asked what was wrong. I started explaining how I had been feeling – first like an old fart that was nearing 30, and then like a psycho for feeling like an old fart that was nearing 30. He quietly listened with a thoughtful look on his face, I was impressed because I actually thought he cared about what I was saying. Then, FAAART!!

The sonofabitch farted so loud it woke the dog that was snoring ever so slightly on a pillow between our heads!

So, I am thinking that I have every right to be going through a funk. After all, I’m nearly an old fart, who lives with someone who will probably never be to old to realize that farting is not cause for gut-wrenching laughter.