Bret Michaels: LIVE IN THE NOW

Am I the only person that is totally disgusted by Poison frontman bret Michaels searching for his soulmate on VH1's celebrity reality show Rock of Love? Give me a freaking break, people!! Just look at this guy, I mean, barf! Okay, so he's totally ripped and has the abs of a Spartan warrior, but beyond that, well, BARF! Has anoyone ever seen this show? It is little more than a bunch of barely dressed girls making out with him.

I don't understand how any celebrity can think they are going to meet their soulmate on a reality show. First of all, he's rich and famous. And second, how many of those girls are just looking for their 15 minutes of fame? It souds to me like a recipe for a bunch of cat fights between slutty, gold digging chicks.

Now don't get me worng, I love Poison. I was introduced to them in the late 80's by my Aunt Linda, (who would probably jump at the chance to bitch-slap any of the other skanks for her chance to make out with Bret. She's stuck in the 80's in a worse way than he is).

I have a couple of Poison cd's, on of which rarely leaves the cd slot in my car, but I just can't imagine how this guy can still be thinking that he's hot shit. Maybe it's just the fact that I have been in the most sour of moods as of late, and the fact that I have been sick and quarantined to my bed, that has got me so mad over this show. Good God, just look at the guy! The long hair and make up and all that get up was cool in the 80's and early 90's, but for crying out loud, man! LIVE IN THE NOW!!

Bret Michaels is the thorn on the rose I just sat on! Forgive me for being so bitchy and whiney and all, the thought of this this guy going on a reality show to meet a soulmate just makes me want to gag.

Really, Bret Michaels is a pretty neat guy; he's a actor, singer, producer, writer, and an insulin-dependent diabetic. He also strikes me as a bit of a wannabe. Let's face it, he was so good at wearing makeup and jewlery and long hair because he looks very feminine in the face. And for crying out loud...the guy is older than my mother!! Can you even imagine your parents covorting around with half dressed slutty chicks proclaiming that they needs to make out with every one of them until they find their soulmate. Barf.

Say Thanks

I know that many Americans have conflicting views on the war going on right now. Personally, I think it started out as a war that needed to be fought, but now if does little more than confuse me. Regardless of your thoughts and feelings on the war and the leaders of our country, you must always keep one thing in mind - there are American's over there serving this counrty and everything that we as American's hold near and dear to our hearts.

I recieved an email from my aunt and friend quite awhile ago mentioning a website that you can go to and send a card to a troop. Since I am not supposed to be doing tha tsort of thing while I am at work I forwarded the message to my personal email with every intention of doing on for myself. I just got around to doing it tonight.

There are several cards to choose from, all of which were made by children in elementary school. You pick out a card, then you select one message from a list to add to it. You can enter in your home town and your name also. All of the card designs were cute, but some were so good it brought tears to my eyes. (Actually I think the tears have more to do with teh fact that I am deathly ill and tired...add PMS to the roster and I am nothing but a blubbering ball of bitchy horomones cooked up on codine and Vicks.)

Anyhow...as I mentioned in a previous post below, it takes little effort and little time to pick out a picture to send to a soldier. It could make his or her day, and lets face it, they probably don't have too much to look forward to. So, people, go to www.letssaythanks.com and send a card to a soldier. Do it for the greater good.

So True!

I am not a huge fan of Bill Gates. Really, I couldn't care less about the guy, he's just a smart rich guy and not that interesting to me. I do, however, think very highley of some of the things he said below...

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone unti l you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

For The Greater Good

Everyday I visit the Animal Rescue Site, Rainforest Site, Literacy Site, Child Health Site, Breast Cancer Site, and the Hunger Site. All six websites are affiliated with one another so you don’t have to tyoe in a different website for each one. Just click on one of the labled tabs at the top of the page and when you see the box that says something to the effect of “1 Click daily, it’s free”, just click on it. It’s so simple. For each click the sponsers will donate 1 dish of food, 1 book, 1 breast exam…you get the idea.

Each website also has a store that you can purchase gifts, textiles, jewlery, clothing, etc from different places all around the world. Each purchase, like the clicks, the sponsers donate their goods.

You only do this once a day, and it’s harmless. The only way it is not a good thing is if you don’t do it, because think about it, it takes maybe a minute and a half of your time, and we all know that at least that much can be spared during your workday! I know it’s not a lot, but I am of the opinion that every little bit helps when it comes to a cause for the greater good.

I have added a link to the website on the left of my page. Please, check out the website, if only long enough to click!

New Years Resolutions

I know it’s getting a little late to be making any sort of resolution or declaration for the new year, but it has taken me awhile to decide on the most important things that need to change in my life, and what I intend to do differently from here on out. My life has changed so drastically in the past year, that I really needed to take a step back and examine what I needed to change to keep the positive changes coming.

1. Get in Shape: The most common resolution among Americans is to lose weight. I decided that since I have vowed this before and I have never stuck with it that I would change it around some this time. I am not comfortable with the number that I see on the scale and the flubber that has taken up residency on my ass, thighs, and midsection (who ever is?). I have pretty much turned myself into a homebody because I don’t like the way I look in my clothes, not my old ones or any of the new ones that I have bought whose tags boast larger size tags. Blimp is the adjective that I have started using to describe the way I look. I was already self-conscious about it and when Jake made a comment about it, I lost it!
While I do intend to lose a few lb’s I am really more interested in losing the inches and toning everything up like it used to be. Maybe if I got my flact stomach and tight ass back, Jake would think I look too good to have kids and that argument would soon be dropped! *wink, wink*

2. Stop Smoking: I have been battling this since September. I went two weeks without a cigarette and with out a craving, then the stress of moving and everything else took it’s toll on me and before I knew what was really going on I was lighting up again. Then my grandpa died and my Bic was flicking with a vengence never before seen.
The past few weeks I had cut myself back to only 3 cigarettes a day, and it seemed like such a worthless habitsince I was now immune to the high and the cravings. I honestly don’t remember ever having cravings, unless I was drinking (which I have also cut way back on since my fling with a whole bottle of Rangpur Tanquary at Christmas). I decided not to keep track of the number of days that I went without a cigarette and that seems to be working really well. If you are thinking constantly about how many days it has been since you had a cigarette, then the thought of having one creeps up on you without you even realizing.

3. Write a Book: I was totally serious about this until a couple of weeks ago I bough and read Janet Evanovich’s autobiographical “How I Write”. I knew there was a lot to writing a book, but DAMN! I was having visions of myself surrounded by stacks of books written by me and hoards of people waiting for my autograph and reading reviews in magazines stating that I was the “next JK Rowling”,
While I have pretty much let the notion of writing an actual novel fall by the wayside, I have decided to write a collection of short stories, which I have already began. I am not concerned about having anything I write published, I just want that feeling of accomplishment and to be able to hand my family a manuscript that I even printed myself on colorful paper and hearin them sing my praises.

4. FINISH THE HOUSE: I AM SICK OF LIVING IN A CONSTRUCTION ZONE!!! IF I HAVE TO DO IT ALL MYSELF, (WHILE SERVING TIME FOR MURDER, OR AT LEAST AGGRAVATED ASSULT, FOR GOING AFTER OUR CONTRACTOR). I SWEAR BY NEXT CHRISTMAS I WILL HAVE A PERFECTLY RENNOVATED HISTORIC VICTORIAN HOME AND A DINING ROOM TABLE BIG ENOUGH TO SIT MY FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER OR I AM GOING TO TIE THE CONTRACTOR TO A TREE AND POKE HIM WITH SHARP STICKS AND BLOW SMOKE IN HIS FACE!!!...(AND LET PEANUT PEE ON HIM!!)

Why us?

I am not the type of person that complains and is down on themselves when something bad happens to them. Well, I have been known to complain, but I don’t get desperate and hysterical. I have a feeling that is about to change.

The weekend that we moved into our house my grandpa died and Jake lost his job. As if it isn’t stressful enough that we moved into a gigantic shell of a house, we had to deal with the stress of a death and unemployment too? Through all of that I maintained the idea that it was all a blessing in disguise. After all, Grandpa had Parkinson’s Disease and had not been in the best of health for many years so it was better off that he was not suffering anymore, and Jake losing his job because of going to the funeral should have been the icing on the cake but I brushed it off as a blessing as well because there was no way that I could have gotten through that funeral without him! I am a bubbly and optimistic person by nature so I deal with the bad things in life by pretending everything is okay. (My cousin Sara says this has nothing to do with being bubbly or optimistic. She says is a genetic trait called denial that I inherited from the Allen side of the family.) Genetic denial or born personality, I just find a light at the end of the tunnel and keep chuggin’ along like the Little Engine that Could.

I just got a call from Jake telling me that his boss told him that he would not be working there any longer after 3 weeks time. He is currently working through a temp agency that found him a job less than a week after he lost his job at the foundry. He likes working there and, like everything else, he got the hang of the work faster than most people. He has been lead to believe that as soon as a position opened up he would be able to be hired in direct and work for the company with better pay and all of the benefits. Instead they would hire people off the street and have Jake train them.

I can’t deal with this anymore! What did we ever do to deserve this? Why do bad things keep happening to us? How on earth are we supposed to keep the bills paid and the house heated on my measly hourly wage? I know that “good things happen to those who wait”, but who made up the rule that “good things happen to those who wait, but just for a little bit and them we are going to take it away”? I am so sick and tired of being a strong person. There are some people in this world who have everything handed to them and they never have to work a day in their lives. Jake and I have had quite a bit of things handed to us…but we have also waited and drudged through the pits of our own hell before we got where we are today. I don’t want things handed to me on a silver platter or even anything close to that. I am even comfortable with the uncertainty of not knowing is we will get all of the bills paid this month, well not comfortable but I have dealt with it enough that I am not overly concerned. I can deal with Jake taking the stress of it all out on me. But I simply cannot deal with things getting near perfect and then stripped away like this anymore.

I know life is not fair and that everyone gets a little down and out sometimes, but it just seems to happen to Jake and I a lot more than most other people. I just want to know why. I want to know what to do to get out of this rut. It’s a terrible feeling when something good happens to you and you don’t even get excited anymore because you know it’s not going to last.

"Luke Duke Doty"

Yesterday was Christmas with the Hollenbaugh side of the family. Since Jake's cousin Abbey and her husband had a baby, the baby has become the main attraction at any given family gathering. At 18 months old with bouncy brown curly hair, Aylah is certainly the life of the party. Before we left, Abbey gave us a picture of Aylah and I hung it on the fridge when we got home.

This morning I saw Jake standing in front of the fridge looking at the picture of his baby cousin. I know he was staring at the picture because there was nothing else on the fridge to look at. I smiled to myself becasue just a few minutes before I was doing the same thing.

"Kind of makes you want to have one of your own, doesn't it?" I asked him.

"Yeah, it does. Scary, huh?" He put his arm around my neck and kissed my forehead.

"Yeah, scary."

jake and I have both said countless times that we don't want to have kids, so why all of a sudden are we feeling these weird parental callings? Would we even be good parents, or just okay parents? I have always thought of myself as too selfish and stubborn with the way I like to have things done to have kids. And Jake, well Jake doesn't even like to spend money on me if he doesn't have everything he wants.

What's scarier is that we would probably come up with some stupid-ass name like "Luke Duke Doty" and think we were being clever and funny and our kid would grow up hating us. Remeber Mr. Rayle? I believe his daughters name is "Ginger Rayle" I hope I am not that crazy!

An Obituary for Christmas

Last night I had the most awful dream. I dreamt that I was in an SUV type vehicle with Jake, his cousin Austin, and a few other people; Austin was driving and Jake and I were in the backseat, I'm not sure who the other people were. I don't really remember anything of it except that Austin was driving like a maniac and the radio was loud and everyone in the car except me was yelling and singing. (This probably stems from the fact that we had Christmas with Jakes family yesterday and no matter what I do I am always the odd one out. I am the weird girl who talks about books and getting a PH. D. someday in some sort of curtural study of Central Asian Studies - Nepal, Tibet, Buhtan - while everyone else in the family either works for the family business or works at drinking and trying to stay out of jail...or there's the occasional drug dealer. I was all day referred to as "her" or "Jake's girlfriend". But, whatever, right?) Anyway...when we started going down a curvy road WAY too fast, I started yelling for him to slow down. We ended up driving into this sort of ditch pond place. I am not sure how I died, but somehow I did when we went into the pond. No one would call the police or the EMS, the just kept saying that I had passed out and that I would be okay.

This is when Peanut started barking and woke me up. Thank GOD!! I know I had died in the dream even though no one actually said it because the whole time I was dreaming before the accident it was like I was acting in a play, and once the accident happened it was like I was looking down at everyone looking down at me lying on the ground.

SCARY!!

Dreams are so funny how they work. All day I was surrounded by people who make me feel unwelcome...and I am always scared that i will be in an accident and not be able to call anyone since I don't have a cell phone anymore...

When I went to bed last night I had cramps really bad and I could not get to sleep. I decided to take a Darvocet left over from Jake's surgery so the cramps would go away and I could sleep. I blame the pain killers since I never take pills and I never have wack-o dreams.

My sister has funny dreams. She told me once of a dream she had that Mike Sassanella called her to tell her church was cancelled becasue there was an 11-foot long sea monster in the basement and he just didn't think it was safe. And just on Saturday, she told me of a dream that she had had where she called to doctor's office to find out what to take for some of the cold symptoms she had been haivng and the doctor told her that the best cure was to sleep on 6 pieces of white bread. I told Kristin I thought it was time she get off the drugs she was doing!

It's no secret that my family has seen more death this past year than ever before. I lie awake last night rattled from the dream I had just had and wondering about what it would be like if I were to die. Morbid, I know. I don't have any preperations or instructions to leave behind.

I know I am young and that the only things I have to my name are really a nearly broken-down car, debt of course, a diamond ring that would only bring $57 if it were hocked, a dog that doesn't like anyone but me really, and a house that Jake and I own jointly. Shouldn't I have a plan for these things? I have beneficeraies named for my 401K, life insurance, adn savings account, but that is only becasue you have to name someone before you turn in the papers.

Who will take care of Peanut?
Who will make sure that Jake is eating good food and not just frozen pizza, Doritos and Chinese takeout?
Will someone make sure I am buried in an eco-friendly box? (I don't care if worms crawl out of my eye sockets!)
Will anyone know to play music at my funeral and what I want to be played?
Will my scrapbooks be at my funeral for everyone to look at?
Will somone make sure that Jake gets to keep my new tv?
Who will switch the Mediacom bill into Jake's name?
Will Mom and Dad make sure that Jake is okay?
What would I be buried in - or do I want to be creamated?
Will I be buried with y ring or will Jake want it back?
If I am creamated what will happen to my ashes? (I don't want anyone in my family to keep them, that is too creepy.)

I know this is a morbid and macbre thing to be concerned about for me being so young, but you do need to thing about these things. You just never know when God will see fit to end your visit on earth.

Check Yes or No

When I was a sophomore in high school my locker was very near a boy that I had a crush on in a BAD way. I never knew for sure but I do think that he liked me too, (we were from different crowds, so he would never have admitted to it). We were not unlike other boys and girls in high school who like one another, we teased each other constantly. Sophomores who attended our high school were assigned locker partners, and “PEZ” shared a locker with “Rat Boy”. I am using the nicknames my friends and I used to identify them in notes that were passed back and forth in 1st period world history with Mr. Robinette so that if we were caught and had to read them aloud no one would know who we were talking about. Also like many other high school sophomores, we were typically unkind in the assigning of nicknames, especially to boys who resembled rats.

One day after school a couple of friends and I were sitting by my locker hanging out waiting for a baseball game to start. In our boredom we decided to play a little trick on PEZ. One of my friends who had boyish handwriting concocted this note on a scrap of paper:
“PEZ,
We have been locker partners for 2 years now and friends for much longer. I think it is time we take our relationship to the next level. Let me know what you think. Love, Rat-Boy”

We strategically slipped the note into the locker and on top of PEZ’s books, laughing all the while at how much my friend’s handwriting looked like Rat-Boy’s. We laughed uncontrollably the rest of the night while speculating what would happen the next morning when the note was found.

The next morning I see PEZ at his locker, a strange look on his face and a familiar scrap of paper on the floor by his foot. It was all I could do not to crack up in front of him. When he grabbed the note and walked hastily away, I decided to fill in a couple of friends standing near on what we had done, even though we had said the night before that we wouldn’t.

Fast forward to 2nd period Geography class with Mr. Krebs, a class shared by Rat-Boy, PEZ, myself, and a guy my friends and I called “Auto”. I walked into the room to hear the two boys arguing and the rest of the class staring. PEZ, Rat-Boy, Auto and I sat together at a cluster of 4 desks. Auto was looking back and fourth between the two others laughing and wondering what the hell they were talking about. “What the hell would you write something like that for?”, PEZ was questioning Rat-Boy. Rat-Boy was beginning to freak out as PEZ waved the note around refusing to let Auto see it.

“I swear to God, I didn’t do it!” Rat-Boy was saying.

“It’s your handwriting, I know it was you!”

“It just looks like my writing, I didn’t do it! Did. Not. Do. It. You have to believe me!”

PEZ turns to me and I try to hide the tears about to roll down my cheeks from laughing so hard. He asks me if I have any idea where the note had come from. I told him that I didn’t but maybe if he let me see it I could tell by the handwriting.

“NO!” he yelled as he jerked himself up and shredded the note over the trash.

Class started and we were instructed to break our groups of 4 into groups of 2. I immediately requested to work with Auto so that the two lovebirds could sit alone. (By the way, Auto was another of my infamous crushes.) PEZ and Rat-Boy were still arguing back and fourth with one another and I couldn’t help but put my head down on my desk and laugh hysterically. “You know where it came from and what it says don’t you? Did you do it?” Auto asked me.

Against my better judgment I let him in on our secret and it wasn’t long before he blurted everything out. PEZ was PISSED. The look of relief on Rat-Boy’s face was priceless. That was 2nd period, by 4th period lunch everyone was talking about it.

My friend that wrote the letter was, well to be nice we will say less than popular. She was on Cloud-9 when seniors were coming up to her and calling her by name and telling her what she wrote was awesome.

To be a little selfish here…the whole thing was my idea! I though of what to write and I knew where to put the note in the locker so that he would see it when it was opened in the morning, and I would have written the thing myself had my handwriting been ugly enough to pass for a rats. This is by far one of my favorite memories from highschool!

Old Farts: On Birthdays and Bad Habits

12/18/2007

One night last week I was putting up the Christmas tree at my parent’s house with my mom and sister. My brother came in and made a comment about an ornament my mother had made when she was in the third grade; He asked if it were 50 years old. Us 3 chickies laughed at him and I told him that if mom were 50 then that would make me 30, and that would just not be cool! To which my mother turned to me and reminded me that I am not far from actually being 30.

OH. MY. GOD!!! I cannot even begin to describe the absolute horror I felt at this realization.

So here I am, almost 5 years from being 30. I am still not happy with my professional life and I have started to feel like I will never be happy with it. I am not married, not even close if you ask me. (If you ask him he will say it’s just a matter of time. I say time is money and I am broke, Bitch!) My car is falling apart around me at 70 miles per hour, and I have to bum gas money off my mom an average of one a month. I never thought I would be one of those “Oh-my-God-I-am-almost-30-and-I-have-accomplised-nothing!” people, but I guess I am.

I think I have just been pondering the things going on in my life and that has made me freak out about being closer to 30 that I ever have been before. I know 30 is not old, but at the same time it is. I can remember when my sister and I were in elementary school and my Aunt Crystal was around this age, we thought her life was so…not glamorous, but close to it. Wow were we fooled!

Jake and I were lying in bed the other night; It was 9 PM and we were tucked in for the night with our books, (this doesn’t help my case on feeling old!). I had my book open, but lying on my chest. When Jake noticed I was staring off into oblivion and not speed reading 2 books at once he asked what was wrong. I started explaining how I had been feeling – first like an old fart that was nearing 30, and then like a psycho for feeling like an old fart that was nearing 30. He quietly listened with a thoughtful look on his face, I was impressed because I actually thought he cared about what I was saying. Then, FAAART!!

The sonofabitch farted so loud it woke the dog that was snoring ever so slightly on a pillow between our heads!

So, I am thinking that I have every right to be going through a funk. After all, I’m nearly an old fart, who lives with someone who will probably never be to old to realize that farting is not cause for gut-wrenching laughter.

Ooh...That Smell

This is such a terrible thing, seriously. This morning our bass called a meeting with all of the employees to address a complaint a customer called in with. One of our biggest customers put in a complaint that someone in our service department had…a strong odor, we’ll just say. We all had a pretty good idea who the complaint was made about; we have all met him in the hallway once or twice. (Carma, I think you might know this person too, or at least know of him.) The subject was tactfully handled with as little embarrassment as possible.

Later that afternoon all of the girls in the office, there are 6 of us, were called into the conference room and told that there have been some issues with our pants being too low. I am sure this complaint was not directed at me. I am always very careful to avoid pants with too low of a rise as my back is nearly covered in tattoos that would be visible if my shirt were cut too high or my pants too low. I don’t think it is appropriate in a workplace for my ink or my butt crack to be hanging out. Even if you have no tattoos, visible or not, I don’t think it is appropriate for skin of this area of your body to be visible in any workplace, especially a professional one.

I really don’t understand why this is even an issue. I mean, didn’t we learn at an early age that we are supposed to take a shower and pull up our pants? I know that I am not the most hygienic person out there, and I have been know to forego my morning tooth brushing…since I am just going to go and have a big cup of coffee anyway… And like many girls my age, (and some older too), my pants have a tendency to ride a little lower on my hips – but I am ALWAYS aware of it, and I NEVER smell like anything other than my Shania by Stetson perfume.

I just can’t fathom leaving my house in the morning and smelling like The Bog of Eternal Stench! Where is your consideration for other people? Not to mention your self respect…

Music and Lyrics

I am a music lover. I am not really picky about genre, country is my favorite, but as long as the lyrics have some sort of good lasting impression or the beat is groovy, I am happy. But sometimes there are songs that stick out in my mind for one reason or another.
Aside from being a music lover, I am a philosophical thinker. I can’t stop thinking EVER! I can think of a quote or lyric to go along with nearly any situation life can throw at you. Lately Jake and I’s relationship has been weighing heavily on my mind. We have a good relationship, and we love each other, but lately I have felt that there has been more strain and tension between the two of us.


Of course the stress of the holidays and the house is an obvious scapegoat to blame for the cause of our lack of loving bliss, but I know it is deeper than that. When we first me we had everything in common from fishing and mushroom hunting to loud rock music and drinking ourselves into oblivion. Now that we have been together for so long and matured, we have both changed so much. I am proud of the person that I have grown into, and I am likewise proud of the person that Jake is working on growing into. The trouble is, while we still have things in common, we have even more not in common.


Even more troubling, I am ready to grow up. Since we have known each other we have always been at different points in our lives. I am older and more mature than he is, so naturally my growing up was a little more accelerated than his, but it has come to a point that it is getting harder and harder to deal with these different points. Jake has always been only a couple of steps behind me, and lately I feel like he has just stopped pressing forward altogether. I don’t know what to do.


Last night I lay awake for the longest time, and when I slept it was fitfully because I was worrying myself into a frenzy over this. So as you can imagine, I am a little sluggish at work today. I was working hard at staring into the oblivion of the screensaver fish tank when a couple of different songs popped into my head.


“Sorry” by: Buckcherry



Oh I had a lot to say was thinking on my time away
I missed you and things weren’t the same
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

I’m sorry I’m bad, I’m sorry I’m blue,
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds,
and baby the way you make my world go 'round,
And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry


This time, I think I’m to blame,
it’s harder to get through the days,
You get older and blame turns to shame

Cause everything inside, it never comes out right
And when I see you cry, it makes me want to die

Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights, and the tears you cried, it’s never too late to make it right


“Why” by: Jason Aldean


It’s 3 AM and I finally say
I’m sorry for acting that way
I didn’t really mean to make you cry
Oh baby, sometimes I wonder why


Why does it always have to come down
to you leaving
Before I’ll say “I love you"
Why do I always use the words that cut the deepest
When I know how much It hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you

I know I’d never let you walk away
So why do I push you til you break
And why are you always on the verge of goodbye
Before I’ll show you how I really feel inside…


The more I think about songs that relate to our relationship, this one actually starts to stick out in my mind too:

“One Week” by: Barenaked Ladies


It’s been one week since you looked at me
Cocked you head to the side and said “I’m angry"
Five days since you laughed at me saying
"Get that together come back and see me"
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
But it'll still be two days 'till I say i'm sorry


Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman
I summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss
I like the sushi
'Cause it's never touched a frying pan
Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like Leann Rimes
Becasue i'm all about value
Bert Kaempfert’s got the mad hits
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna break and take a fake
I’d like a stinkin, achin shake
I like vanilla it’s the finest of the flavors
Gotta see the show, cause then you’ll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
Cause it’s so dangerous, you’ll have to sign a waiver


How can I help it if i think you're funny when you're mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
I'm the kinda guy who laughs at a funeral
Can't understand what I mean
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt


It’s been one week since you looked at me
threw your hands in the air
and said “You’re crazy!”
Five days since you tackled me
I’ve still got the rug burns on both my knees
It’s been three days since the afternoon
You realized it’s not my fault
not a moment too soon
Yesterday you’d forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait ‘til you say you’re sorry


Chickety China the Chinese Chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X-Files with no lights on
We're dans la maison
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like harrison Ford i'm getting frantic
Like Sting i'm tantric
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy

Like Kurasawa I make mad films
Okay, I don't make films
But if I did they'd have a Samurai
Gonna get a set a' better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing


It's been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to you sides
and said "I'm sorry"
Five days since I laughed at you and said
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"
Three days since the living room
We realized we're both to blame,
but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

**I thought I would share this horoscope a friend sent to me a while ago. I am not the type to read or follow horoscopes, but since Jake and I do have such a passionate relationship, in good ways and bad, I just thought this was uncanny!

Leo (Kianne) & Scorpio (Jake)

Riven and driven, this couple wins the passion prize. Leo and Scorpio are locked in a struggle, united on the razors edge. The emotional Leo is offended by Scorpian rudeness; in turn, Scorpio’s deep feelings are masked by carnal urges. Tension and challenge define this relationship. Each is endowed with an infinite ability to wound or solace the other, and the two will endlessly oscillate between torment and delight. The clash of these two strong personalities is doomed unless indulgence and tolerance also reign. But selfishness may overcome them.

Okay…anybody who knows Jake and I know that reading this is like reading my journal. It reads as a concise overview of all of the good and bad times that we have had.